The Morons Are Still Out There
by Treacle Parcheesi
Summary: Mortimer McMire has escaped the asylum! He sets out to steal something of great value to the peaceful and noble Fribbulans, and enslave them for eternity. In order for Billy to save them, he must learn the most important lesson of all.
1. Search And Destroy

Fribbulan Airspace, Saturn's 63rd moon

Agatha XX-039 pushed away the fuzzy dice hanging from the glass dome of her flame-painted spaceship and cranked up the stereo. The sound of eurodance filled the entire saucer, and as the craft went upwards and abandoning the atmosphere, she turned it down. No sound absorption in the universe, you know.

"Female Fribbulan no. 34598723," a male voice said sternly. "Turn the craft around. Do not attempt to leave the exosphere. You are under arrest."

"In a pig's eye I am!" she exclaimed end crushed the intercom with her bare little foot. She hated how the justice people could hijack these.

Agatha was in deep trouble, and she knew it. But she was absolutely not going back to juvie this time. She accelerated, and felt her polyester-clad rear end floating up from the zebra-patterned seat. "Computer, gravity on, gravity on!" She pushed all the reachable buttons frantically.

"You are now entering the asteroid belt," Computer said stoically. "Please put on your seat belt before I put it on for you."

Agatha's spacecraft was built to navigate unharmed through asteroid belts; after all, Fribbula I is surrounded by three rings. But it still got to her. The only ones who crossed the asteroid belt after the Tellusians discovered space exploration were teenage Fribbulans, who lasered forms on empty planet surfaces. One of them once drew what they thought aliens looked like on the surface of Mars.

Something caught her by the corner of her eye. It was an official space craft, belonging to Sleeves; Fribbulan senator.

"Holy shoot!" Agatha yelped. Her hands were sweaty on the steering wheel.

"I order you to turn. Turn now and maybe the mayor won't demand your head on a platter."

It had happened to two of her friends from juvie. She winced and instead turned up the music, setting course for the only planet in the universe she knew no Fribbulan would ever set their foot on to save their lives. All of a sudden, the alarm went off, and "MALFUNCTION" illuminated the dome in red neon.

"Danger," the computer said imperturbably. "Tellus are inhabited by meat-eating monsters."

"Shut up," Agatha said and stomped on the accelerator.

It was too late, however. Senator Sleeves made a sharp turn and intercepted her. She was trapped.

"Female," the senator's voice filled the cockpit. "You are under arrest. Follow me back to home, and you shall not be harmed."

Agatha bit down on her lip. "I'm not returning! I need to find help! You have to let me go!"

If she had been able to see Sleeves' face, she would have seen that his eyes were swimming. She sighed. "Please! I voted for you!"

A few silent seconds floated by. "All right, female. Detach the cockpit from the craft. I'll have to destroy it for the sake of the evidence."

As the glassy dome was swallowed by the Earth's gravitational pull, senator Sleeves waved goodbye. "Find help," were his final words.

Agatha steered the remainder of her craft toward a green-looking patch with a chain of mountains. The gravity on Earth was much more compact than on Fribbula I, as she soon found out. It destroyed the saucer's own system completely, and she floated up from her seat once again.

"You are now plummeting to your death. Nice knowing you," the computer said obnoxiously and Agatha sighed. At least she was going to lose her head while enjoying herself.

In the meantime, on Earth, a young boy was kicking his sneakers off and heading for the stairs.

Before he could sneak away from the dinner table that recently set, a woman in a yellow dress and apron that read: "Of course not, they're Republicans" turned the corner.

"You better wash your hands, Billy dear," she said, dangerously kind.

"Aw, mom!" Billy complained.

Billy's club house was the reason for 4 out of five family meetings. It consisted of wood from milk crates supplied legally. Something. The kids of the suburban Wisconsin neighborhood had a saying; "if the German Shepherds guarding the trash pile don't kill you, then what you steal is legally yours."

It looked small, but among a lot of things, the Vorticons had taught him how to build things in this fashion. Inside the club house there was room for a massive bookshelf, a work bench, a computer desk and of course, the Bean-with-Bacon Megarocket. It was named after the many soup cans it consisted of.

Billy Blaze was kind of a child prodigy. He had an IQ of 314, had saved the galaxy three times, and always thoroughly chewed his food.

This was the best part of the day. Now all he had to do was go back to work on his newest invention. It was a laser gun that instead of needing an antidote to cure incapacitated targets, just "killing" them for about ten minutes.

Someone knocked on the door. First seven, then five, and three, ending with nine.

"And the password?" Billy examined a tiny diode with a magnifying glass.

"A-F-L-K-I-S-A-D-B-A-G," someone said.

Billy had met Edie Mammon at a local science convention. He was displaying his theory on alcohol as fuel, and she was actually interested. Edie herself was also a child prodigy; she had finished her law degree, and was a high-prized attorney working in secret. She was exceptionally bright, but she never revealed _how_ bright. As with Billy, she didn't do cooked vegetables, or going to bed early. It was good to have a friend after the fallout with Mortimer McMire. She had braces, and had only been without headgear for two months. She was freckly not only on her face, but her shoulders as well. She sported a tomboyish look; she wore red Mary Janes, and a green pilot jacket. She wore wide jeans, as she liked keeping different kinds of samples in her pockets.

"I've finally finished the new generation of ComputerWrists," she said. She held up her arm and presented a ComputerWrist that looked much like the old model, but red. The LCD screen displayed Billy's data.

Name: Blaze, Billy

IQ: 314

Age: 8 Y 234 D 22 H

Height/weight: 49.2 in 49 lbs 6 oz

Favorite food: Meat lover's Pizza

Favorite movie: The Champ

"Whoa," Billy said in awe. "Can't let that little doozey get out."

Suddenly the Photachyon Transceiver in the corner sparked into life, and they both jumped.

"The escaped XX-039 is still at large. Fribbulan Search and Destroy out."

The kids were silent for a moment. Edie broke the silence eventually. "Fribbulan?"

Billy set course for the bookshelf, where he had an edition of _Alien Encyclopedia_ he had swiped from the Shikadi, and turned the pages.

"Fribbula I," he said and sat down. "A minor planet located in the Cyanea Galaxy." He skimmed the page. "Fribbulans are the intelligent cousins of Bloogs. Females are roughly the size of a human 12-year-old and extremely clever. They can exhale poison gas at will. Males are up to seven feet tall and have hunchbacks capable of carrying over 400 pounds as well as sharp, poisonous teeth. The Fribbulan is solely carnivorous and," Billy's face turned to disgust, "Prefer their meals served alive and kicking."

"Eww," Edie interjected.

"Are we going out to find this Fribbulan?" Edie asked with a crooked, scared grin on her face.

"Who else?" Billy said and cocked the neural stunner.


	2. Welcome to Earth, Agatha!

The craft's body would have spewed out smoke if it could, but the engine had run on alcohol fuel; Everclear from Agatha's own still. Initially the still was intended to make moonshine for consumption, but just a sip of the merchandise had left Agatha and her friends in fetal position, puking their guts out on the living room floor. But it was an excellent cleaning agent for greasy mirrors and tables, and in time, proved to be an even better fuel.

However, it was also very explosive and Agatha dragged herself away. Trembling, she saw a green ray of light illuminate the room, and she thought her days were numbered.

"Please…" she started, and held her hands up, but was hit and fell over.

Tracking the unidentified flying object to the abandoned storage facility had been easy. Dragging 95 pounds of dead weight on a wagon back to the Megarocket had been a challenge. And now, carrying said weight to the upstairs ruckus room nothing short of unbearable. Billy and Edie wiped sweat off their foreheads.

"Whoever taught you to carry with your back is not your friend," Edie said exhausted, and Billy shoved the throw pillows down from the old couch. The entity was breathing oxygen, and its breath was even.

"How do you count heart rate again?" Billy asked. Edie sat down on the other side. "Uh, you touch the wrist below each thumb. Careful not to lay your own thumb on it"

Billy counted 70 beats in 60 seconds. He then held the entity by the armpits and dragged it up in a sitting position. "Jeez, she's heavy," he grunted. "A little help?"

The neural stunner was not fatal to any creature. After his journey to Vorticon VI Billy had been determined to invent non-lethal weaponry, after seeing how many of the Vorticon people he had to sacrifice, including their women and children, because of the old ray gun. However, stuns did keep targets in suspended animation for an indefinite amount of time, and being hit was still quite painful. There was only one cure; vanilla ice cream and a hearty shoulder rub.

"I'll rub its shoulders if you get the ice cream," Edie wringed her fingers. There was no vanilla ice cream in the freezer, so Billy had to scrape a layer of licorice of an ancient fudgsicle.

"Ro-sham-bo for opening its mouth?" Billy froze with the ironically melting fudgsicle.

"Come on, man, just do it!" Edie retorted and frantically rubbed the alien's knobby shoulders.

Billy had seen worse aliens than this; at least this one wasn't covered in scales, slime or fur. Luckily the amount of ice cream needed was subjective, so he painted the being's mouth with it. The creature emitted a loud snore, and fell over to the side.

"Alright," Billy said and backed away. "We'll just have to wait."

Edie had a deep dose of her inhaler.

Agatha rolled around and opened her eyes. The light was so sharp she shielded her eyes before putting her feet on the floor. Her legs trembled under the weight of her body.

The two things she had identified as marble pillars, or maybe masts, moved toward her, and she quickly hid her feet under her body. All Fribbulans do this when faced with danger.

"What are you?" her language sounded like a resonating cackle, and the taller pillar pointed something at her. It was the last thing she had seen before her blackout. She had not seen that coming, but she did see this, and she was too quick. Before the mast could pull the trigger, she knocked the gun out of its hands and leapt onto the rec room's bookcase, climbing desperately. Several books fell out from the shelves.

"Someone's gonna hear this." Edie shielded herself from the dropping literature.

Billy gasped. "Aw, nuts! My brother!"

Indeed, downstairs, his older brother Danny was trying to make his sister's lunch look as appetizing as possible.

"Come on, try it at least. It has like, fifteen different, definitely carcinogenic additives." Danny pushed the bowl of cereal over to her.

"Billy tried to feed me too," she said, detestably sweet, and crossed her arms.

"Yes, he did, Amanda, and then you sucker punched him in the face."

A thud coming from upstairs shook the entire kitchen. While Edie kept an eye on the stairs, Billy tried to get his arms around the wriggling alien. It was trying to speak, and the angry cackling would not go on unheard for too long.

"Billy!" Danny climbed the stairs. "What's going on up there?"

"Double nuts!" Billy finally put his hand over Agatha's mouth. She stared at him as if he couldn't have committed a bigger insult if he tried as he pushed her into the closet. "OK, alien," he whispered. "Unless you wanna end up in a secret government facility strapped to a gurney and forever staring horrified at a speculum tray, sit still in there and keep your mouth shut!"

"Hey, why didn't you answer me?" Danny turned the corner to the rec room, and the two kids froze.

Billy had the second highest IQ in the world, but he was a terrible liar. "Erm, well, I…"

"We were looking for the chutes and ladders game," Edie interrupted. "Oh, there it is," she picked up the board game from right before her feet.

Danny tilted his head. He had the same pale skin as his brother. Edie wondered what Mrs. Blaze put in her cooking to make her family this pale. She never ate anything at their house. "I don't care. Just play quietly. Mom will go section eight when she sees what you did to the bookshelf. And by the way, Edie – the cat pinched a loaf on that thing."

When the teenager was safely downstairs, Billy exhaled in relief. Edie flung the box in disgust.

They opened the closet door. The alien was standing there, with her arms crossed, and as Billy pulled the lampshade off her heart-shaped head, she stared peevishly at them. She was about one foot taller than the children. She had large, almond-shaped yellow eyes that had no detectable pupils. Physically, her stature was pretty much human, apart from her feet, which were tiny and had no toes. She wore a cap on her head and a blue scrub shirt that could have come from any hospital on Earth.

"I'm gonna put this on you," Billy held her arm out and she immediately protested. "Don't struggle, it won't harm you. Gosh, you've got to be the fussiest creature on and off this planet!"

After connecting the ComputerWrist, the alien immediately spoke English, translated from… whatever her native language was.

"What did you do to me?" Its voice was feminine, and scared.

"Nothing," Billy insisted. "We found you and your vessel right outside of Madison. I'll run some tests, but you seem undamaged, and…" The creature brushed his hand off briskly. …"Responsive."

The alien woman tried to think of a way to convey her wish without having it coming off as a threat or cliché. "Take me to your leader," she demanded.

"Leader, huh?" Billy tried to smother his laugh. Baring your teeth to an intelligent alien species is always a bad idea.

"Yes! Your leader, king or president! He's supposed to live here, that's why I set course for this place."

"The president lives in Washington. You're in Wisconsin. I'm sorry to tell you, but you're on complete opposite side. So you might as well tell _us_ why you came."

Agatha sighed. "About three months ago, our planet was seized, and our royal family imprisoned by someone who were called "Gannalech" by invaders."

Billy's jaw dropped. The last time he had seen "Gannalech", the latter had been sitting in the corner of a dim, padded cell, emitting disturbing quotes from Genesis' "Mama". That was one boring Sunday afternoon Billy could never get back.

The alien woman looked at him. "I take it you know who he is."

Billy sighed. "Oh, yes. I know everything there is to know about that one."

The Grand Intellect, or better known as Mortimer McMire, used to be Billy's best friend, until a standardized IQ test issued by the teachers one day in preschool proved Mortimer's IQ at 315, and Billy's "only" 314. From that day on, Mortimer was on Billy's back twenty-four-seven. Swirlies, noogies, wedgies, and the unforgettable towel snap of '92 were some of the items on the short list of Mortimer's repertoire of torment. But it didn't take long for the little jerk to move on to bigger game; literally. Through his most sadistic innovation; the Mind Wave Belts, he took over the world of the Vorticon. None of these peace-loving, gentle creatures had suspected that the wrapped "portraits" could be something that treacherous; but mistook them for gifts, and hung them in their living rooms. In less than a week their whole planet had become the most militaristic world in five galaxies. Disabling the Mind Belts had been a real mess, because a) they made the Vorticons very aggressive, and in spite of their generally docile temperament, they had teeth and claws, b) it would only be a matter of time before the Belts would affect him as well, and c) his parents would be home from the Forman's poker night any time. But he made it, and Mortimer was killed in the device he had planned to use in the annihilation of Earth. Or so it would seem. Two space adventures later he received a note from Mortimer, that said he was alive and well – and about to destroy not only Earth, but the entire Universe. But once again, he failed, and was sentenced to life imprisonment at Freaky Fred Memorial, plus an allowance cut. If Mortimer McMire had escaped the asylum, it would be the scandal of two centuries, not to mention bad news for all living things.

"Do you know anything else about the Gannalech, Agatha?" Billy asked, choosing his words carefully.

Agatha pulled down the hood of her leotard and unleashed a mane of hot pink ringlets. "This is why I hate polyester," she said grumpily, "Well. Everyone on Fribbula knows why he's there. He tried to purchase our hydrogen legally at first. The senator in charge of Purple Sea said no, of course."

"Why?" Edie asked.

"The Fribbulans worship hydrogen," Billy replied, and the alien nodded. "It's a mirror for the moons."

"That - and ten thousand gallons of it? Why would anyone need that much hydrogen, if not for…?" Agatha made a dramatic break; she even held her breath. "Some of our best spies, myself included, found a file of documents which revealed Gannalech's plan to destroy the universe.

"With ten thousand gallons of hydrogen?"

But Billy had already got it. "Fribbula I lie in a solar system rife with hydrogen." Suddenly he looked pale… Well, paler.

"We found that, and a video cartridge labeled "Captain Clown". Any idea of who that is?"

Edie was about to answer, but was cut off by Billy. "No! None whatsoever," he said and cleared his throat. "We believe you, Agatha, and agree that you need a safe haven. Stay here in my house. And by the way, welcome to Earth."


	3. Candy Striper

"…So, this is Ward B, the women's ward," said Mrs. Douchey, head nurse of the retirement home. "This is one of the last single-sex wards in Wisconsin," she added, as if it was something to be proud of. Billy was standing in the common room. Billy liked the retirement home; it was here he had learned how to swear. The African Grey Parrot sitting across the room had taught many young boys the art of profanity.

Agatha pulled the uncomfortably tight apron of her candy striper uniform. "What will I be doing again?"

"You're the one who fluffs pillows, keep them company at meals and hide the dice for the Parcheesi set."

"Oh, how dare you-"Agatha started infuriated, but Billy quickly put his hand over her mouth; not without trouble. To conceal her greenish skin she had caked on make up like a thick smear of spackle.

"The best part is that you'll be working for minimum salary," Edie said matter-of-factly. "But look at it from the bright side – all the hard candy you can eat."

"I have some hard candy for you right here, _baby_," Agatha hissed.

Fortunately, Agatha's hot-headedness and inane mood swings took a turn for the better after working at the old folks' home for only a few weeks. For being completely lacking in social skills, she learned to speak English without help from the ComputerWrist. Billy's parents let her stay on the couch, for which he was very appreciative – on her own; Agatha would probably find a way to blow up Wisconsin. Billy had never seen anyone change so much so quickly, but it was clear to him that she loved life on Earth. When she was not working or spending time at the Blazes', she was shopping, at the beauty parlor, movies or library. She hung out with the ravers on Friday nights and came home with plastic raver candy; which she presented to little Amanda, who always picked out the pink ones.

One Saturday morning Billy and Edie were sitting on the living room floor all but dancing to an anime intro; high on Sugar Stoopies.

"Dude, these are the best," Edie said and chowed down some more. "Mom will only buy those generic Sugar Crappies."

"Bummer," Billy shoved the bowl away and resisted the urge to belch.

It was a lovely day so they didn't linger by the television. Instead they went outside to play with Spot, who was overjoyed to see them. He rubbed his eyestalk against Billy before being transfixed by a stick Edie was holding.

They discussed the next science fair. "I think this year we should present the Mary Janerator," Billy threw a pebble into the pond and counted the rings. The Mary Janerator was a machine one stood in who tailored perfect pairs of Mary Jane shoes by laser technology, and to date the only invention he hadn't made alone.

"That's kind of overdoing it, don't you think?" Edie replied. "Kids come to these fairs to display slide shows of the water cycle, and how a lava lamp works."

"Then what's your great idea?" Billy retorted. The science fair was a touchy subject, ever since Mortimer McMire won first prize for that stupid artificial kidney of his when they were four.

"I know what you're thinking," she said dryly. "And we're not gonna let that happen again, I promise. But if we show up with the Mary Janerator next to some second grader with his ant farm, he's gonna look just sad and we're gonna look like smug bastards."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Billy said a little low. Spot came back with the stick for the hundredth time and now begged for a treat.

Suddenly the garden scene was interrupted. "Edie!" a shrill voice called over the fence.

Edie frowned. "I'll be right there," she replied. "See you later, Billy."


	4. Star Breeze

"….It's a one way ticket to midnight! Call it heavy metal; higher than high, feelin' just right…"

Agatha sang along with the craft's stereo. She could travel across space since before her molars broke out. As Billy's co-pilot she was great. Edie, however, had never been into those long, intergalactic voyages. She sat in the craft sleeper, looking pretty puny.

"How far is Fribbula from Earth, anyway?" She sighed and wiped her clammy forehead.

"It's a two-day travel," Agatha replied; happy as a clam. "And kind of a long wait, so you might as well get some sleep."

Edie had a big sip from her bottle as she fluffed her pillow.

"Hey, go easy on the water," Billy warned. "If I know Mortimer right, he's hoarding edible supplies on Fribbula, but for now we'll have to moderate."

Edie glanced resentfully at him, and then wrapped herself in a thermal aluminum sheet.

"What a grump." Agatha steered clear of a large, icy meteorite.

"In her defense, she did beg me to stay home. But if this plan ends in the crapper, she's the only other person who knows how to fix the Megarocket."

For a while it was only careful course-plotting; but no awkward silence. The Lamarckian – system was the oddest one Billy had ever seen. The universe was decidedly more than gases, ice and dust.

Suddenly the music stopped and was replaced by the monotone of _Serenity_, the ship computer. "Coming up on your right: the Cyanea Galaxy."

"This is our first stop," Agatha said. "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Beautiful" didn't do the Cyanea justice. It was a spiral galaxy; so magnificent all its stars were like glittering gems strewn on gossamer, colorful veils. Each arm had its own color which emitted a peaceful glow. Billy felt drawn to it; as if the best thing to do there and then would be to exit the ship and float toward it, even though it would take an eternity.

"Fribbula's Solar System is located between the purple and the green one." Agatha pointed. "The prettiest ones."

The fearless Billy Blaze's eyelids were heavy. "Would you be terribly offended if I went to sleep for a little while?"

"I'm tired too," Agatha sighed.

"Computer," Billy said. "Initiate autopilot and bedtime light settings."

"Autopilot activated. Initiating bedtime settings. Would you like me to read you a story?"

Agatha's eyes were closed, but she was smiling. She couldn't wait to make fun of him in the morning.

"Uh, we'll be fine, thank you," Billy said and tucked Raggedy Andy out of sight under his pillow.

Star Breeze, the highest tower in Melissa City, the biggest city on Fribbula I had been seized by Mortimer's Bloog and Shikadi goons, who had customized it to meet their master's needs. It was a small token of their gratitude, seeing as he hadn't reprimanded them too harshly for failing him.

Mortimer himself was sitting at a conference table under the crystal dome which had a breathtaking view of the galaxy arms and Fribbula's blue moon. No one who ever sat at this table was able to appreciate the scenery. In that room, occasions were always dire. Since Mortimer McMire had claimed Star Breeze as his headquarter, more and more innocent blood was staining its floors.

A Shikadi Master opened the double door to the conference room. "Gannalech, taneta!"

The prisoner was led in by a Blooguard and forcefully put into one of the chairs. Mortimer smiled maliciously.

"Good evening, Senator Sleeves," he said.

Senator Sleeves had been caught helping young rebels hide in one of the underground diamond caves. As the royals' heads were already canned, he was the only one in possession of the knowledge Mortimer was seeking.

"Again I must implore you to leave this planet, dark-fleeced Tellusian. This is a nation of peace, and we do not tolerate violence or cruelty..."

"Quiet!" Mortimer barked, and the Blooguard poked Sleeves in the back with its spear. "It's time for us to do business. I like doing business," the young human stared at the Fribbulan. "It brings people of common interest to agreements which benefit both. And this will be made easy for you, senator, because it is I who will be presenting both supply and demand."

Mortimer took a deep breath. "One of the rebels escaped."

Sleeves sighed exasperatedly. "Yes, I know that. I also recollect chasing said rebel across outer space as you requested, destroyed her craft by your instruction, and therefore liquidated her as you desired!"

"The female is alive. I can feel it," Mortimer's eyes narrowed. "You followed my orders, but you failed to report XX-039's destination."

The senator didn't talk, but his eyes said: "_And I'm not going to_." It was certainly enough to infuriate the human, who had never been the type to think before he talked.

"We'll let it pass for now. There's only one thing you sub-creatures have that I want. And you are going to get it for me."

"Purple Sea is the jewel of our world. We will not let you sink your bloodstained claws into it."

The room was dead silent. Not one of Mortimer's sycophants moved. The human himself was also quiet for almost a whole minute. Then:

"Oh senator," he said, voice laden with evil. "My hands have room for more blood, you know."

Two of the Fribbulan guards restrained Sleeves' arms as he fought for dear life. A Lucite collar was placed on his shoulders and a third presented the separation disc.

Mortimer walked up to the star gazer podium. "Enjoy your rest, Senator. It'll be long, long…"


	5. Prodigy Crystals

The Megarocket landed with a crunching sound so loud it effectively roused its passengers. Billy sat up sluggishly in the bucket seat.

"We're here," he yawned and tugged at Agatha's sleeve.

She was not happy. "Ow, my back is killing me."

Edie poked her bed head between the front seats. "Well, if that's the only thing that'll try to off you today… Well, you know."

She opened the hatch and was relieved to feel cool air on her face. Billy was tightening his shoe laces, and Agatha was tucking her impressive magenta hair into the hood of her body suit. "So, dear children, welcome to Fribbula. If you will, look up."

They both did. The arms of Cyanea were even more beautiful from the ground, and the nebulae above were reflected in the distant Purple Sea. Edie was the first to tear her eyes away and sat down on the ground to inspect some of the plant life.

"This is the strangest grass I've ever seen," she said and cut off a few sapphire blades. "What's its Fribbulan name?"

Agatha crossed her arms and tilted her head. "Crab grass."

Billy had set course for a little forest a few yards from the little road, and climbed a very large stalk. A multi-colored, bell-shaped flower was perched on a ruff of foliage. "What's the Fribbulan name for _this_?"

"You'll see," Agatha said smugly. One second later the flower opened its petals and a whole waterfall came flushing down on the young hero. Agatha fell to her knees laughing. "Don't worry, it'll dry up. The look on your face…!" She commenced laughing.

Billy lifted the helmet off and additional water flushed out. "Hey, this is not so bad!"

"We don't have water in rivers or seas here. All of those have hydrogen. The drinking water and oxygen all come from the sugarbell."

He drank the rest of the water in the helmet. "Hey, it's my kind of bell."

They walked for a while along the road. It wasn't much to see, except for the dreamy forest. Billy had never visited a foreign planet that didn't have daylight before. Instead of a sun, the air and ground was illuminated by starlight, and they could see pearlescent will o the wisps floating around among the lush trees.

The road ended, and they were standing on rocks, which were the only barrier between them and Purple Sea. It was so calm one would ignore the differences and just walk straight into the hydrogen.

Edie decided it was time to for them to eat and got some rations from her backpack. They sat down on the rocks and looked at the spectacular light show from above.

After they had eaten for a while, Billy curled the potato chip bag to a little ball. "Agatha, I have a confession to make."

She just looked at him.

"Remember the video you mentioned? I lied when I said I didn't know who Captain Clown was. The recipient of that video was me. Only that Captain Clown really means Commander Keen."

The half-eaten sandwich fell out of Agatha's hand. "Commander Keen? _You're_ Commander Keen? Freed-the-Vorticons, saved-the-Gnosticenes, kicked-Shikadi-butt Commander Keen?"

"Why is that so hard to imagine?" Billy was almost hurt. "Who did you think I was?"

"Honestly, I thought you were one of those kids who run door-to-door selling magazine subscriptions," Agatha said, rude as always.

"Nah, the Person Scouts banned me from selling magazine subscriptions," Billy blurted out.

Edie sprayed masticated rutabaga cubes as she laughed. Agatha was flat on the ground, holding her stomach.

"Yeah, well, you're _both_ appalling diplomats!" Billy hurled the snack- bag at them.

Agatha rolled out her thermal sheet. Edie raised her eyebrows. "Are you gonna take nap _now_?"

"People, follow me on this," she said. "There's a boat here that can take us over, but I wouldn't recommend it. My friends and I took a ride in it, and scared my ex-boyfriend into believing there was a sea serpent in this part of Purple. Long story short, he dropped his cargo in the boat. That's why we'll sail across with the sheets."

Billy did not find the thought of parachuting over an ocean of liquid explosives very enticing. "Oh, come on, it can't be that bad."

"Billy, you really don't wanna…"

"Hey, you do as you wish. I wanna live," Billy said, stuck his nose up and set course for the dingy. He came back thirty seconds later. Agatha inspected her nails nonchalantly as he puked his guts out on the rocks. "Hey, told you so."

The slight wind over the hydrogen surface was enough to make them drift across. "Are we going to your apartment?" Edie asked.

"Aw, my apartment," Agatha said, smiling blissfully. "My home, my rest. No, we can't go there. The only safe haven for me is Doris' secret head quarter."

"Who's Doris?"

"My dear, dear sister," Agatha said dourly as they were standing on the doorstep of the infamous secret head quarters. "How long it's been."

Doris XX-040 was almost identical to Agatha, apart from her Jewfro being cobalt, as opposed to magenta. She also preferred shiny boots and short, snug dresses.

"What is that?" Doris asked and pointed at the two friends as if they revolted her.

"Not to worry," Agatha said when they were all safely inside Doris' home. "The Second is Commander Keen, believe it or not, and the First is Edie, his _girlfriend_."

"Hey!" The kids exclaimed in unison and looked indignantly at the giggling Agatha.

Doris' headquarter was like a Vorticon home, only considerably less tidy and the food was actually kept in a refrigerator. "You have to meet the rest of the gang," she said and followed them into the dark living room.

"It's alright, guys, you can come out now." Doris lit two lava lamps.

Two teenage Fribbulans came out from behind the curtains. Billy and Edie's presence made them openly worried, so they joined hands while staring at them. A seemingly cantankerous, middle-aged male glided out from the guest bedroom, carrying his sleeping daughter which could not have been older than two years old.

"These are Lenore and Jimmy," Doris said and waved her hand at them. "Their families have been sold as slaves to make bomb shells. "This is Lumpy," she added and waved at him too, "For obvious reasons. He lost his wife to this occupation."

"Hello," Billy said. Lumpy glowered at him, and then turned to Doris. "How do we know we can trust them?"

"They saved my sister's life. It's good enough for me, so it should be enough for you, Lumpy," Doris' face was stern as she lit a cigarette.

"I take it you're here to save us too," Jimmy said and took both of his girlfriend's hands as he spoke.

The tone of their voices was discouraging. Obviously they had given up hope. That, or…

"So tell me," Edie sat down on one of the cushions, "Is it _terrible_ to be under Gannalech's command?" She looked mockingly at them.

That bitter, little pill livened up the room. "Command? We are the rebel force, you insolent little larva!" Lumpy shook his bony fist, and his daughter whimpered softly in her sleep.

"Then I suppose you have a plan, some information… Snacks?"

The gang sat in a circle and passed around a bowl of sugarbell seeds. "Now that we got you some snacks, young First," Lumpy said, "You have to listen to us."

Edie's eyes were heavy and dreamy. All she really wanted to do was to chew pulp out of sugarbell seeds for the rest of her life. "Go on."

"I've met the Gannalech once!" Lenore sat up on her zabuton. "He was making a bunch of first-graders screw together a bunch of metal plates. I think he's about to lose it!"

"He has already lost it," Billy said dryly. "On Earth – I mean, Tellus, he was contained in a very secure place for people who are not only evil, but sick in the brain-"

"They know what a funny farm is, Billy."

"Thanks, Agatha. It isn't the first time he has enslaved a peace-loving and intelligent nation, but it is the first time he's done it without a charm of some kind. I mean, Blooguards and Shikadi Masters aren't _that_ hard to defeat…"

"Does this match the profile of "charm"?" Jimmy pulled up a cracked glass dice. The others cringed, but Jimmy shook his head. "Don't worry, dweebs, I neutralized it."

"Prodigy crystals," Doris said. "We got them in the mail two days before Gannalech's plans were revealed, otherwise we would never have made the connection in time. The rebels, that is, and those who rarely open their mail."

"Gannalech has seized the Tower of Star Gazer, and all entrances to it are heavily guarded, same as those underground," Lumpy straightened out a map and pointed at the underground tunnels. "But we found one who is not that heavily trafficked, and that is the kitchen entrance."

Kitchen! Billy's brilliant mind started working. It was pretty strange that someone with Mortimer's paranoia wouldn't keep better guard where food was prepared.

"Let me guess," he looked at them, "Your plan is to sneak in the kitchen entrance to find and neutralize the mother prodigy crystal."

The rebels nodded.

"You're walking into a trap. You're smart, and your plan is well thought out, but you have to understand…" Billy strained as this was the most painful thing he would ever say, "Mortimer McMire is the smartest creature in the universe. That's why he wants to destroy it. That's how his insane mind works, and you can't reason with it. It's an ugly thing, and it'll be uglier up front when he executes you in some vile way."

"Eww," Lenore groaned and reminded him about Edie. Grumpy Lumpy was adamant.

"And you, being the second smartest creature in the universe, you have the perfect solution?"

"Well, actually…" Billy's face was starting to look smug, so Edie intervened. "No, he doesn't, but we do have some fair _suggestions_."

She reached her open palm towards Billy. "Go ahead."

"I have more physical experience than Mortimer," Billy said. "Everything I need to get us all in position will be there when I sneak in first."

"You really think so?"

"I _know_ so…" Billy was elbowed in the rib cage by Edie, "…Uh, because I have faith in this group."

The rebels looked pleased. Even Grumpy Lumpy was adequately pacified.

Doris sat up. "Bedtime, everyone! Others, go to your beds. Tellusians, I'll show you where you can sleep."

Welcome to Fribbula. What a day.


	6. Breath of Melissa

The next morning Billy realized at once that he had slept in. He checked the corner mattress, but there was no sign of Edie apart from a pillow stained with makeup. He went down the stone stairs to find the rebel force in the kitchen, putting on disguises; business attire.

"Hey, why didn't you wake me?" he yawned and stretched his arms.

Grumpy Lumpy looked down on him; he seemed much taller in the light. "We would, but your friend insisted we let you sleep."

Doris came into the kitchen. She had slipped into a bright yellow kimono and hobbled her way to the refrigerator. "Hmm, low on Arsenicola," she commented.

"Why are you packing food? If we want to break into a building seized by Mortimer, we'll have to travel light!"

"Because I'm not going," Doris said and chowed down what looked like an animated Slim Jim. "It's my job to monitor your outcast butts."

"What? But you're the only one in this group who…" Billy lowered his voice to a whisper.

"That's why I'm the one who ladles out the advice." She slurped soda audibly through a straw and didn't actually reassure him. "I'll be on the horn the whole time, gidget," she said; reading his mind. "Your future ex-wife showed me how your wristwatch works."

"Fine!" Billy sighed. "Are all the girls on this planet this cynical?"

Grumpy Lumpy came gliding by and mumbled something that sounded like "You have no idea, kid."

On the space trip to Fribbula, Agatha had told the humans how Melissa City was like any metropolis in the universe; every morning the streets were packed with people on their way to work. The best part of the city was, according to her, the street performers who filled the air with their song and music. They had been there since before Melissa even got its town status, and according to Alien Encyclopedia, which Billy was now reading on his ComputerWrist, their art was called "Breath of Melissa".

But now Melissa was holding its breath, and the only citizens were males carrying frightening weaponry. Grumpy Lumpy was shocked to his very core; one could tell from the look on his face. Edie and Lenore saw it, and grabbed him by the wrists, leading him quietly away.

When they reached Star Gazer Park, they realized that they would have to split up if they were to make it inside the tower without being caught, or worse, killed. They took a five minute break behind a gazebo.

"Everybody, check your disguises," Jimmy whispered. Edie had already done a check on hers and was surfing a slang dictionary on her ComputerWrist to calm herself down.

"Hey, a local one!" She exclaimed. "Wisconsin Tickler." Her face went pale as she read.

"You know what I really miss?" Agatha was sitting next to Billy, looking up at the Tower. "When I was a kid, I used to take my sister to the Conference Room with a big bag of sugarbell seeds and just stare at the stars."

"You could do that? Isn't this the royal family's home?"

"Yes it is, and it's always open to everybody; it's our second home. Isn't Tellusian castles like that?"

Billy charged the Neural Stunner. "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

"I made a promise."

Billy wondered if he was nervous because of the cockiness in her voice, or because this was the first time he had ever been a part of a team. Maybe it was all the girls in the team. Regardless, he had an awfully bad feeling in the pit of his stomach as he saw one of his best friends put in magnetic handcuffs.

The ComputerWrist started vibrating, and Doris' face flickered into focus. "Okay, guys. Gannalech has already started draining Purple Sea. It's been going on for quite some time. The pump is located in the bomb shelter. It's the lowest and most heavily guarded part of the Stargazer compound. I pick up life signs not only from Fribbulans, Bloogs and Shikadi, but from many of our more dangerous species."

"Can you see the Mother Prodigy?"

"It's in The Conference, which is, unfortunately, Gannalech's study."

_Perfect_. "Thanks, Doris. Over and out."

The stolen uniform was quite snug, so Grumpy's walk up to the Tower's main entrance took a bit longer than planned. He had a spear pointed at Agatha's back, making the scene adequately realistic.

A sign over the west entrance read: "_Prisoners and sub creatures admitted here_" in standard galactic writing. Grumpy almost froze as two much larger guards came towards him, but managed to stick to the script. He noticed the Crystals; worn in bracelets.

"Look what I found skulking around downtown," he said harshly and poked Agatha in the back; hard enough to make her falter. "Ouch, dude!"

"This is the renegade female," Grumpy Lumpy explained.

"Really?" One of the guards took a close look at Agatha. "We'll let the Grand Intellect confirm that!"

Oh, crap, he thought. He hadn't expected that. But as soon as they were inside the hall the problem was solved. The windows were smashed, and a Stunner came flying in. Agatha grabbed it, and pointed it toward the guards. Less than three seconds later, they were both in a coma.

They joined the others in the main hall, where plenty of guards lay frozen. "Jimmy, Lumpy," Billy said, now more stressed than ever. "You'll need to find the hydrogen pump. Lenore and Edie go first and stun any enemy you see, and then help destroying the pump. Doris will guide you through it while Agatha and I locate and destroy the Mother prodigy crystal."

Lenore bit down on her lip. "But what if Gannalech finds us?"

"He won't hurt you. It's me he wants."

Agatha scoffed. "With all due respect, Commander Keen, it's _me_ he wants. He chased me across the universe just to see my head on a platter."

Commander. She had actually called him "Commander", and not mixed it up. He felt hesitant but not for long. Indecision rarely results in six successful space adventures.

"Well, then we'll both be the bait, right? The Mother Prodigy has not yet affected any of us. And I'm waiting until it happens."

"But none of us are tall enough to reach it. It'd be better if Edie and Lumpy searched for it. He's the tallest, and she's the lightest." Agatha put a helmet on her head to keep her hair inconspicuous.

"Just trust me, OK? I know what I'm doing." Billy said and reloaded the Stunner.


End file.
